The TotSpot

Friday, March 17, 2006

This, is nuts..

Fever, headaches, diarrhea, chest-pains, stomach-pains, incessant coughings.. Anybody had all that in one sitting? It's the best feeling ever i tell you.. Makes you just wanna forget everything and tell Him to please welcome you with open arms. Just been through that and i kid you not as it's one of the worst experience ever. Previously i wrote about me being sick. Got better. And then sick again like a mo'fo. Can't even concentrate on my studies or training. Only the thought of my baby kept me going. Still, i have not really been in my best moods for these few weeks. Tempers flair like crazy and flipped out at the slightest provocations. Psychotic at worst. I'm really sorry baby. As well as those who caught the stingers from me. Keep having bad dreams as well. And almost always waking up, drenched in sweat. All i can say now is...

11:12 PM | 0 Comment

Monday, March 13, 2006

Thank Goodness for Self Control

To that farkin drunk ass idiot, you were fortunate. You have to thank your lucky stars for doing what you did and got off unscathed. From me.. Your life may have been one miserable wreck, with rain clouds permanently attached above you all this while, but last night the farkin stars in the whole universe came out and specifically formed a cosmic alignment just to shine for you. The care bears as well.

Just got me in the bus en route to home after sending Mal back. Sat on the second last row, behind this Indian guy whom i assumed was sleeping as he got his face facing downwards. All was fine until about halfway through the journey when i started to smell something creeping up my nose. At first i thought it was food but as it got stronger, i began to doubt it. Next, i thought it was alcohol as though i don't drink, i'm quite familiar with the stench. Oops, i meant smell. Anyway by then i had already settled for the fact that it came from behind me and there was nobody else but the guy there. Those in front kept turning behind and looked at me with the look of not love but "doode, what the hell?!" on their nice faces. Naturally i gave them the look of again, not love but "it's not me you farks, but behind me.. and anally insert something big and unpleasant forcefully in yourselves!". I was still sick. The smell kept getting stronger and unbearable til i had to turn around and looked at the guy. He looked at me and instantly turned elsewhere as if something was up. Then, i felt some moisture on the floor and took a quick glance. it was liquid, flowing from where the guy sat, making it's way to the front of the bus. My initial thought of it was beer as it was what i smelled coming from the doode, but as i looked at the reflection on the glass panel, he was'nt carrying anything on him. Then it struck me as the bus was reaching my stop. Fark. Practically jumped up off my seat and desperately tryin to rub my Jordans with the floor of the bus. The fucking asshole pissed in the damn bus! Other than the floor, the friggin piss touched my Jordans! My damn Jordan 11 that took me i dunno how many years to acquire! I just stood there staring at the fool like a full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night with a drunk ass, piss-happy little lamb in my shadow. For whatever reason, he was just left there, as was previously said, unscathed, by a then psychopathic, almost murderous, full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. Maybe it's because of the sheer audacity of it all. Or maybe it was my stop and i hate to miss that. Maybe it was already well past midnight and i'm coughing like a sick, full blown, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. I think it was all of the above. Alighted the bus but not without me making my way to the side of it and stood the closest i can to that Jordans pissing farker. Did not even dare to look up as i was snarling and vapours were forming at the glass panel where he was.

Darted back to my place and washed the shoes right away like a full blown, sneaker-headed, blood-thirsty lycan on a clear full moon night. All i was thinking about then was guy's a lucky bastard. At least for that moment.. Off to class now. Cheerios..

4:26 PM | 0 Comment

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Good times, good fight and sweet dreams..

It will always be in my life. Never once gotten by the day without it. Even if so, it will not be natural. My air. Or part of it at least. Plays quite a significant role in my emotional state. Mind food/fuel. Vital in whatever situations. Had this school group bowling competition years back. My buddies were known in the school circuit as premier bowlers then. Me, i'm just a world champ in my own head. Heh.. One after another, they striked out whatever pins standing in their lanes. Pure skill and confidence. I had quite an ok early rounds to follow after as well. Just somewhere down the line i lost my concentration and my form suffered. We were neck and neck with this other school team towards the final few rounds. Everyone else were still at the top of their game and that's where i knew i had to buck up and step the fuck up. Took out my discman(R.I.P) and proceeded to 'fuel up'. Basically, listening to music helped to ease me down from all the final-game anxieties and refocus my ass to the task. Came back strong on the rebound and never looked back. All the way til we got that championship trophy in our hands. Never forget how it felt. Never will.

It was everything to me back then. Way before school even. Wondered to myself sometimes, why i never really learn to play any instruments being so. Maybe it's just meant for me to sit from a respectable distance and love it with all my heart and soul. Was i too in love with it back then to even realise that? Given all the circumstances that took shape from my hard-headedness in believing, i could do it? All the persistence, the fight-for-the-right-to-recite-my-artful plight, the freedom to paint pictures using the mic as a brush...ah.. the mic.. The 'Stargate' to my world within. A world that i once readily would share with any and every interested soul that ventures close. A photographer at that, with endless pieces of notes and papers as pictures to string together in melodicious mini albums. Also a world that almost completely sealed me off from everything else. Did'nt see the need to escape from it then. Why should i? It Is My World... It got lonely though. Extremely.

There were others sharing the same love. They walked with me and we stood our ground against whatever that tried to break us down. This is, of course, not to say that there were no casualties. One by one, in time, lowered their heads and bowed out from the cause. From the belief. The stand. I hung on still along with what's left of the others, refusing to accept the fact that we desperately needed a miracle even if just by a feeble folicle from it. Still, throughout the struggle, casualties kept on growing and no sight of a breakthrough just yet. As for my group, i'd like to see it as that we travelled towards the same eventful path, together in a bus BUT, we sat at different seats, facing different positions throughout that journey.. Sometime during then, i found out that i had been bleeding, steadily. The very blood that holds all the dreams, ambitions, drive, will and that one vital component. Hope. Shot from all angles, intended or strays, around me and i was still too busy fighting for the cause to even notice or feel it. Now the seemingly endless flow of blood out of me is ending pretty soon. Or has it stopped already? Without even moving, i have receded into the shadows. Without tears, i joined the fallen who long accepted their place. Still, why don't i feel like one of them? Why do i feel as if it is not my time yet? I passed over and yet i don't feel belonged in the fallen lands. All this, knowing the fact that it is no longer my world over there. Fifteen minutes last forever and beyond but it was ultimately no longer mine. That world floats in the milky ways of memories now. How sweet it was..

5:41 AM | 0 Comment

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Man this sucks loike totally...

Have got meself the fever. Not saturday night fever or jungle fever or anything else but the real deal, OG'd up one. It crept up and caught me off guard as i was fetching Mal from work. I mean it was like waiting for the right time to pounce on me or something as earlier in the day, was feeling fine and dandy. Even got in the gym to work out and all. I guess it was waiting for my body imune system to be at it's lowest and i'll be susceptable to all kinds of infections and deseases. Was bearly able to walk after that. Lucky for me Mal was there. Went to have a rather late dinner at Subways and my baby had to practically force-feed me as my sudden lost of appetite kicked in. My head was feeling kind of heavy but at the same time, light. Dunno if that makes any sense to any of you, still, that's the closest i can describe it.

On top of that, lost my voice soon after. For that to happen to the likes of any chatter-bug, it would be a curse straight from the ninth gates of hell. Luckily i'm not one of such. Though it's damn hard to communicate with my baby under such circumstance. Even Mum was snickering away when she heard whatever noise that came out from my mouth as i struggled to find my voice. Evil. So for the whole day i was a temp-mute. Downed a whole bottle of cough syrup by night time. Was better the next day but the freakin cough still persist. I mean i could yelp a word or four but not without a string of coughings that followed. Still have not totally recover my sweet angelic voice yet but still, it's better than none. Raspy like a mo'fo.. So i guess that's it for now. Be back sooner than soon.

P.S, don't ever work out when you know you're sick. It's a hugomongo no-no.. And no i'm not saying that i did. Believe me. Really. I did not. You got no evident. Ok whatever then. Adios.

3:07 AM | 1 Comment

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Gettin It 2gether... again..

It was suppose to be a straight forward, full-to-the-brim proof plan. Guess it ain't much of a walk in the park as this bug-brained fool had thought out to be. What went wrong? Or is going wrong here? Why can i just pick it up and run with it as it was meticulously laid out or so i presumed? What. The. Phark?! It's like everything within me going all out to stop, ummm myself from doing what uhhh, i really want.. Shit man. This fight is really taking much of this vestigial being. I hate me when it's like this. Conflicted. Helpless even? Should i even let ignorance slip it away further from me, blissfully? Time? My blissful, fucking opium..

Going for my course today in a minute but i feel half of myself right now. Yeah i know.. Me, me, me... And more me's.. Somebody please find something to somewhat wake this doode up from all the sugar infested reveries. A reality chin-checking of sorts perhaps? Sighings.... Here i go again.. I'm off now. Hope the strings won't break on my way up. Pray with me? Yes i know.. So, will you? I'll appreciate it if you do..

4:30 PM | 0 Comment