The TotSpot

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Floatin on..

Man... I keep bobbing up and down in this endless ocean.. Waves, unpredictable as ever. Think you got some control and then, whoosh.. bloop bloop bloop.. submerged. Life just plunges you in like how it knows best. Struggle all you want, the hand stays on the head which stays under water. Depend on no one else. Either you crack and fill up your lungs, or struggle just a bit more to rise up above..

This work is pulling me in deeper in the abyss of submission. Sometimes i find myself wondering, why? What am i so obstinatiously viva-la-resisting from? I guess uncharted territories are far more appealing than the path ostentatiously presented to us. Kept it all in so far. I know i ain't cut out for it from the 1st day, but still.. I need this. At least to keep minds from further unrest. Yes, other than my own.. needed the 'end-of-the-months' to pull me up for a miniscule gasp of the despondently diminishing fresh air.Ain't no way i'm giving in/settling in. Even if life throws it's version of Kurt Angle's ankle-lock on me. I ain't tapping out. Not just yet anyway.. Working around shady people, in a shady business, for shady hours, to earn a shady penny, will take a dig in your adimantium shell and most probably chip it. Time spent working there is construed in my mindstate and physical well-being. Found myself waking up in pain sometimes. If let be, my back will be the 1st to go. Others, close behind. Yup, it's gotten to that. Only the thought of a select few in my life kept the engine running.

Mal's assuring presence kept me going when i felt empty. Mum's silent worries somehow reached out to shift that gear up as well. Dad's frantic hope in ultimately passing the torch to nestle in the backseat. My bro's hidden fears on being appointed as the next torch-bearer. It's ok baby bro. I will shoulder it for now, so you ain't gotta do it yet. Just a couple more hurdles to get pass and the boat will be in the dock, shall we say. For those onboard, it's not that far ahead. Please abandon ship only when it's titanically sinking. Otherwise, hold on for just a sec.. look towards the horizon and don't forget to smile upon arrival. Then again, i'm sure you will..

12:25 AM | 0 Comment

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Farkin lecher..

Saw this 1 man in the toilet at this train station after work, while i was gonna change my clothes there. A middle-age looking guy, sporting gold chains and bracelets with short, neat hairdo that's slightly dyed rusty brown. Looked a bit ermm, on the softer side shall we say? He was taking a piss at the latrine as i entered one of the cubicles. All in all, it took me less than 15 minutes to change. As i came out of the cubicle, i saw him still there doing the same thing since i entered the toilet. Thought it was kinda odd but just moved on along. He apparently noticed me as well and started looking rather nervous. A few guys came in as i went to the sink to wash my hands. I like to keep my hands super uber clean so it took me some time to do so. And as i was at it, i happened to glance at the dude. What i saw made me shook my head.

He was discreetly looking at the privates of the 2 men who were also taking a piss, on the left and right side of him. It's not a glancing kind of look but rather a oogling, lecherous one. Dude is one seriously sick ass fuck. Those guys don't even notice what was going on then. Except for me and another guy who saw it too. Shaked his head like i did as well. By that time i was really riled up about this and decided to do something. Well actually i just stood there and gave him this one hell of a disgusted look on my face. He saw it. I made sure of that. Looked like a worm being dangled just slightly above a flame. Or something like that. Kept looking down as i stood there staring my eyeballs out at him. Lucky for him i ain't Cyclops from the X-men. Anyways, i decided to find the janitor and inform about the situation but can't find anyone there. It was pretty late as it is for me then and so i just left the place. I know he's gonna get what's coming to him soon.

You never really know what kind of things people get off on. And when you do, you either shake your head, verbalise it or take action of any kind. Or just don't do nothing at all. People.. How much do we know about those around us, or even ourselves? Comes down to this 1 paradoxical question in which, would you rather find truth in acceptance or acceptance in truth?

2:27 PM | 0 Comment

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Wade Wilson complex

Seriously man.. life would be just a tad different if i did not relent and open up the damn gates. All because of indecisiveness. I mean what should i do with the money from the spoils of our previous house sale. Blah.. let's spend them on whatever comes to mind. Mind? What mind? Money makes Man mindless. Average Man. Ok just Man. Sheesh..

It's all downhill from there, man. Mess i could never fathom or get out of. Still do, at times. To think that i could read people well enough to know their intentions or thoughts. Yet it happened. Ok so that shit was quadruple plus a couple and add another ermm, 2 more years back. Verde was the name of the product as well as the company. Dunno if they're still around. If they do, i like to meet every single one of the people there. For a chat... Especially the one that zeroed in on the dumb, gullible, naive, not-so-lil 'OKB' then. Vultures come in all shapes, sizes, species, colours or creeds. A shining example that prick was, come to think of it. Thanks for making me feel like Mankind's excrescence. Still, i shall carry it solely on my shoulders. My own fault. But fuck you anyways..

All i just wanted was to clear those occasional adolescence break-outs. With some moolah to despatch, my option on the facial products was on a rather wide scale. A lil too wide for my own damn good. Along came this prick from Verde, one afternoon. Soon as the door opened, he saw a perfectly, delectable opportunity of a meal-ticket(fingers pointing at this writer). With incisors sizing up a fat ass chunk of the meat, he unleashed whatever tricks picked up from the trade. Got me to let him in and even to the point of making his way into the master bedroom to see whatever products we had. To cut it short, doode managed to oust more than 300 bucks out of me with the concern he supposedly had to see that this face 'be as smooth as his'. Painstakingly instructed me with the details of the facial applications which i followed for 3 weeks. There will always be a slight burning sensation on my face after each application and though after consulted, the guy told me it was normal. Even when it started to hurt. Even when it started to reddened. Even when it started to swollen. .......even when my damn face started to crack! He came by once after the damage was at the pinnacle. Did'nt even wanna come in this time to try to push more products in these hands while he pry whatever change i got left in my fist. A fist that was meant to forcefully connect to a certain someone's face. He never returned like he said he would every month to check up on my so-called progress..

My world was bleak there on then. Momentarily forgotten how the skies look as the head was facing downwards whereever, whatever and whenever. It was subsequently getting worse and nothing helped, much. At wits end with confidence no where in existence what so ever. The bleedings, the pus, the stares, the paranoias, the pain, the masked 'concerns', the stark questions, the blatant disregard of feelings... Woe is me is woe.. The eventual plunge to the dark realms of depression. Can't even see the hands in front of me. The lone journey there did'nt take long. Getting out might take awhile as the exit signs are invisible.. I begged. Prayed. Cried. Questions after another. Then, nothing. So, fine. With a reckless resolution. A monster shall be like one. Aced the look. Then the build. Yeah it kinda slipped into disillusion. Tried reaching out but nobody, nothing, no where. Like trying to scream inside a vacuum. That boy never did return from the abyss. Somethin else did. Let the carnage begin..

3:17 AM | 0 Comment

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A dream..

Had this one weird, trippy dream. It was just a few days before the new year. In it, i was in a passage or some place, following this 1 big, tall person from behind. Could't see his face but he was wearin this white robe and sort of a turban on his head. Dunno why i was following him but i felt like i knew him. Remembered that there was this strange comforting presence with him. We came to this 1 room and it was all white. Bright white. I asked him where we were and why he brought me there. The man turned around and said nothing. Can't really remember his face but i think he had a beard. He looked at me hard and in silence. Could feel that he was not too happy about something. Anger kind of resonated in his eyes. After a long silence, i asked him again the same questions and why did'nt he speak to me. Then, right after i finished asking the questions, he took a step closer and proceeded to slap me hard. It shook the ish out of me and got me off my feet. I struggled to get back up and when i finally did, he came closer and send me to the floor again with a harder backhand. I was in lots of pain as well as in a daze. This time i was just laying on the ground holding my cheek. Tears were welling up fast and flowing readily. Asked him what did i do for him to struck me like that. This time he spoke. Voice was loud and booming. Scary booming. Said something about why did'nt i do what i have to do in the 1st place. That i have an obligation and suppose to fulfill it. At that time, i recalled that i was hugely overwhelmed with remorse. Cried so hard til i could'nt breathe properly. It became hazy soon after.

Woke up all shaken. The tears soon let themselves out and this time they were real. What was i suppose to do? Be a better person? A better servant? What is it?

3:20 AM | 0 Comment