Welcome..
Time spent reading this is non-refundable..
Thanx anyway..
Monday, October 31, 2005
It is what it was, is and always will be..
Should it be what it is not,
then it will never be,
should it be what it is feared to be,
then it must be faced to lay rest,
should it keep coming from yesterdays,
then it will be learnt from and leave behind,
should it be what it could hopefully be,
then it will be by all means,
should it take the sweetest of time,
then it is all the more that we get there to taste it,
should it be always and never,
then by the Graces of Him, it is..
You don't have to feel like you're alone in the darkness when it looms. Been in it long enough to be a permanent resident. I know i just be repeating these words over and over again but still, i will keep saying them to you. Life has a habit of throwing salt to the wounds and i will be there to wipe them away from yours. If i can't then i will share them with you. Wounds and all. And you know these are not just words as seen on the screen. They come with what you see in my eyes as i look in yours. They come with the hands that wipe the tears away from your eyes. The smiles that they put on your sweet face. The constant kisses for that cute, perfect button nose and everywhere else. Don't have to let the thoughts of how anyone could or would love you swim around 'cause this one just do. Yes, he is that crazy. But he is also that much in love. Crazy in love. Heh.. Gonna go through all the works, whether anyone likes it or not. Anyone. Still broken but no longer lost. Not with this shining light that found me as i was about to step over the edge. Let's build on each other, with each other and for each other. I am with you through no matter any weather. And so shall we go to where we wanna go, baby. Anywhere...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Found it, lost it, & now gettin it back for good..
Ola.. And seriously, folks.. been on the E with things to input here lately.. Not really out to so-call wow you readers with anything i put out but still, i felt that if there's nothing good for me to dish out, then well, sorry..
Anyway, this little post here is about how things are for me, the month of Ramadan and my shakened will of training at the gym. Yeah i know, go ahead, shake your heads now. Heh.. Still, it is quite a heck of a hassle. I know it blasphemous to even think about it, but my training is taking a serious toll during this holy month. Everything is turned upside, downside, inside and out. Keep telling myself that this is a test, as always. To see if we could survive and overcome it all. So why the phrok am i complaining here in the 1st place then? Heh.. I dunno man.. Maybe it's all that waking up to finally realise you need fresh, new, SMALLER-sized pair of jeans, even though it's really a pain. Still, it's a lovely, puts-a-smile-on-your-face-after-all-these-years kinda pain. And also maybe 'cause of getting to look more and more like the pictures i have to push me harder to achieve that much wanted physique. Once again, go ahead and shake the heads all you want. Heh.. Pardon me but don't really care here.. All i know is that i set out to do this, to change myself. No more half-asses determinations. Had enough of those. Now i know all this sound like a lot of things to different people but it's not about justifying but understanding why i said all the things that were said. Been teased about my weight all the time growing up, health issues, depressions and all other stuffs. Things have to change.. but change relies on endurance, perseverence, patience, serious will-power, blood, sweat, tears, swellings, muscle aches, sores, money, support of those who care, time, whey proteins, supplement pills, nitro oxide, creatine, sacrifices and whole lot more in between or after.. been on the track on more times than i could remember. And after each of those times or in the midst, things wil surely pop up like pop-ups and detract all the efforts away as they get flushed down in the shit-hole of my life. Boy, i like to complain, don't i? Still, all that gets to me everytime. Especially when i felt that the fruits were almost ready to be plucked and wholesomely relished. Got to me really bad.. So now, after months of slogging away at the gym, i found myself down that very familiar and much dreaded road yet again. Can't do it. Won't see myself going that route again, man. No way. The thing is, how or where do i find that strength to break this ever vicious cycle for good? I have to. Might have something in the horizon if i manage to do so. Otherwise it turns round and round faithfully, like an immortal clock til the last chapter of my book. Don't want that. For Them, for Her, for the little bit of peace in mind from knowing that i did what i set out to do. For victory.. And also for Aaliyah and Zulaika.. yeah baby, for them..
Monday, October 17, 2005
Skinned Deep...
This whole world seems to revolve around it, in my jaded eyes. How do you behold it in your eyes? Do you see what comes with it? Under it? Or just let your perfect 20-20 vision carry your perception of the sighted subject on just the surface level? Just let it soothe and coat your eyes with all the sweetness this world has to offer. It has been that way all this while, ain't it? Ugliness, or the ugly has no place in this world. They can never coincide with each other. To be scarred or to be deformed means to be looked at with extra carefulness, subconscious resentment, pity, concealed hatred or just downright disgust. Ugly is like an unofficial sub-species. Third-world country of humankind. Surface is just too convenient for most. What's inside is rather too deep and time-wasting for them to appreciate or settle for. Heh.. Superficial is super official... Life.. Swell and well then. What is it to you, if i may ask?
Beauty, brings 2 sides to a picture,
a covalent compound, 2 or more substances in a mixture,
still it don't reflect the soul in a mental scripture,
making us a blind believer, or fictional achiever,
because we symbolise, what's perceived by the eyes,
a natural human respond to catergorise,
only the center retina could visualise, the lies,
as the fraction of the grand deception, sparks the passion,
used as a formidable weapon, or a tool for protection,
an eternal victim of lustful attraction,
deriving all sense and sensibilities,
and be enslaved by the whip of insecurities,
forever bound by the thought of which is worse,
as first, those who are blessed with this curse?
or those who cursed at the ones who are blessed,
as they rise and simultaneously fall beneath the rest..
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Turbulations of an idealistic go-getter..
Finally.. Another real update.. Track of time lost somewhere between bliss street and gloomy lane.. Shit was all good and bad almost perfectly in-sync with each other. What balance. Can't really have just the great and awesome part without the drabs and craps tagging along close behind, can we? Like the ugly, annoying, whiny, and messed up little brat that's always tugging the clothes of the beautiful and gracious older if not twin sibling. What the hell am i blabbering about again? Sorry, did i lost you? No? Cool then, though i think i'm lost myself..
With Mal, my valkyrie by my side, i should be stronger. I have to be. The old cracks still persist to be there and now new ones are breaking out like pimples on an unattended oily-skinned face. Shit, i need more time.. I know it won't stop or slow down for just a mere mortal, but it's not as if there are no plans formulated in here. Just the execution part that needs a hell of a boost. Ain't saying that i don't have what it takes.. Or don't i? No, wait.. I do.. Just like building a machine or sorts, you have to go through all the circuits in order for it to work. Even so, all the failures that come before also play a vital role in that eventual success. And there might just be friggin loads of them! Still, ain't something for us to just resign to. The failures. Acknowledge, but never yield. Whatever shit that don't kills you, makes you stronger, right? Might stink more but at least you come out of the smoke with that crooked but triumphant smirk on your mug. I just know it. Life has a way of letting you get your highs, even after numerous beatdowns on your ass. That's almost infallible. And after numerous recent beatdowns on my tush, i'm almost demanding for mine. Took it in. All of them. Blood, tears and all. Now i need to get my fix. Yeah, i'm a junkie like that. For happier times. And not just me, but those with me as well. Those who carry my love as i do for their's. We will get there, folks. I love you all too much for me not to. Keep on smiling and spawn the laughters for now, Insya'Allah, i will join you in a bit. Promise. God bless.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Gift(seether)
Monday, October 03, 2005
Letter to sum1...
This is how shall i put it, from me to you,
as it is in the hands of fate and there's nothing we could do,
heavy it is for my heart to see another in pain,
as the tears flow from your eyes mixing soon after with the rain,
i felt it, yes indeed i do, though probably lesser than you,
and hurt you is definitely not what i intended or planned to,
how it burnt you, and what the happiness had overturned to,
still there is something i want for you to understand,
i did not force her to hold another hand,
or sacrilegiously told her to let go the previous,
so there were no schemes or anything remotely devious,
only the purest of intentions from me to love her,
my promise to you that i will never, ever hurt her,
please believe this, as it is truth painfully told,
that the love was nurtured innocently and never stoled,
i can't stop you from surrounding me with a world of hatred,
i will not return you them even if that's what this world had favoured,
just want you to be strong now my brother, and release the weight,
time will heal your wounds beautifully no matter how late,
you will get there eventually somehow or someway,
and the smiles will be etched on your face again someday,
for now please, with the graces of Him, let her free from the binds,
so she could breathe life that she yearns with more peace on her mind,
let me take her there now, to where her rainbow lies,
drying up the tears along the way as we fill the hollow skies,
with the hopes, the dreams, and the wishes we so wanted to materialise,
and i told her we will, while i erased those tracks that formed from her eyes,
let us get there with your clear and open heart, my brother...
at least for her...
It is what it was, is and always will be..
Should it be what it is not,
then it will never be,
should it be what it is feared to be,
then it must be faced to lay rest,
should it keep coming from yesterdays,
then it will be learnt from and leave behind,
should it be what it could hopefully be,
then it will be by all means,
should it take the sweetest of time,
then it is all the more that we get there to taste it,
should it be always and never,
then by the Graces of Him, it is..
You don't have to feel like you're alone in the darkness when it looms. Been in it long enough to be a permanent resident. I know i just be repeating these words over and over again but still, i will keep saying them to you. Life has a habit of throwing salt to the wounds and i will be there to wipe them away from yours. If i can't then i will share them with you. Wounds and all. And you know these are not just words as seen on the screen. They come with what you see in my eyes as i look in yours. They come with the hands that wipe the tears away from your eyes. The smiles that they put on your sweet face. The constant kisses for that cute, perfect button nose and everywhere else. Don't have to let the thoughts of how anyone could or would love you swim around 'cause this one just do. Yes, he is that crazy. But he is also that much in love. Crazy in love. Heh.. Gonna go through all the works, whether anyone likes it or not. Anyone. Still broken but no longer lost. Not with this shining light that found me as i was about to step over the edge. Let's build on each other, with each other and for each other. I am with you through no matter any weather. And so shall we go to where we wanna go, baby. Anywhere...
1:12 AM |
0 Comment
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Found it, lost it, & now gettin it back for good..
Ola.. And seriously, folks.. been on the E with things to input here lately.. Not really out to so-call wow you readers with anything i put out but still, i felt that if there's nothing good for me to dish out, then well, sorry..
Anyway, this little post here is about how things are for me, the month of Ramadan and my shakened will of training at the gym. Yeah i know, go ahead, shake your heads now. Heh.. Still, it is quite a heck of a hassle. I know it blasphemous to even think about it, but my training is taking a serious toll during this holy month. Everything is turned upside, downside, inside and out. Keep telling myself that this is a test, as always. To see if we could survive and overcome it all. So why the phrok am i complaining here in the 1st place then? Heh.. I dunno man.. Maybe it's all that waking up to finally realise you need fresh, new, SMALLER-sized pair of jeans, even though it's really a pain. Still, it's a lovely, puts-a-smile-on-your-face-after-all-these-years kinda pain. And also maybe 'cause of getting to look more and more like the pictures i have to push me harder to achieve that much wanted physique. Once again, go ahead and shake the heads all you want. Heh.. Pardon me but don't really care here.. All i know is that i set out to do this, to change myself. No more half-asses determinations. Had enough of those. Now i know all this sound like a lot of things to different people but it's not about justifying but understanding why i said all the things that were said. Been teased about my weight all the time growing up, health issues, depressions and all other stuffs. Things have to change.. but change relies on endurance, perseverence, patience, serious will-power, blood, sweat, tears, swellings, muscle aches, sores, money, support of those who care, time, whey proteins, supplement pills, nitro oxide, creatine, sacrifices and whole lot more in between or after.. been on the track on more times than i could remember. And after each of those times or in the midst, things wil surely pop up like pop-ups and detract all the efforts away as they get flushed down in the shit-hole of my life. Boy, i like to complain, don't i? Still, all that gets to me everytime. Especially when i felt that the fruits were almost ready to be plucked and wholesomely relished. Got to me really bad.. So now, after months of slogging away at the gym, i found myself down that very familiar and much dreaded road yet again. Can't do it. Won't see myself going that route again, man. No way. The thing is, how or where do i find that strength to break this ever vicious cycle for good? I have to. Might have something in the horizon if i manage to do so. Otherwise it turns round and round faithfully, like an immortal clock til the last chapter of my book. Don't want that. For Them, for Her, for the little bit of peace in mind from knowing that i did what i set out to do. For victory.. And also for Aaliyah and Zulaika.. yeah baby, for them..
1:40 AM |
0 Comment
Monday, October 17, 2005
Skinned Deep...
This whole world seems to revolve around it, in my jaded eyes. How do you behold it in your eyes? Do you see what comes with it? Under it? Or just let your perfect 20-20 vision carry your perception of the sighted subject on just the surface level? Just let it soothe and coat your eyes with all the sweetness this world has to offer. It has been that way all this while, ain't it? Ugliness, or the ugly has no place in this world. They can never coincide with each other. To be scarred or to be deformed means to be looked at with extra carefulness, subconscious resentment, pity, concealed hatred or just downright disgust. Ugly is like an unofficial sub-species. Third-world country of humankind. Surface is just too convenient for most. What's inside is rather too deep and time-wasting for them to appreciate or settle for. Heh.. Superficial is super official... Life.. Swell and well then. What is it to you, if i may ask?
Beauty, brings 2 sides to a picture,
a covalent compound, 2 or more substances in a mixture,
still it don't reflect the soul in a mental scripture,
making us a blind believer, or fictional achiever,
because we symbolise, what's perceived by the eyes,
a natural human respond to catergorise,
only the center retina could visualise, the lies,
as the fraction of the grand deception, sparks the passion,
used as a formidable weapon, or a tool for protection,
an eternal victim of lustful attraction,
deriving all sense and sensibilities,
and be enslaved by the whip of insecurities,
forever bound by the thought of which is worse,
as first, those who are blessed with this curse?
or those who cursed at the ones who are blessed,
as they rise and simultaneously fall beneath the rest..
12:14 AM |
0 Comment
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Turbulations of an idealistic go-getter..
Finally.. Another real update.. Track of time lost somewhere between bliss street and gloomy lane.. Shit was all good and bad almost perfectly in-sync with each other. What balance. Can't really have just the great and awesome part without the drabs and craps tagging along close behind, can we? Like the ugly, annoying, whiny, and messed up little brat that's always tugging the clothes of the beautiful and gracious older if not twin sibling. What the hell am i blabbering about again? Sorry, did i lost you? No? Cool then, though i think i'm lost myself..
With Mal, my valkyrie by my side, i should be stronger. I have to be. The old cracks still persist to be there and now new ones are breaking out like pimples on an unattended oily-skinned face. Shit, i need more time.. I know it won't stop or slow down for just a mere mortal, but it's not as if there are no plans formulated in here. Just the execution part that needs a hell of a boost. Ain't saying that i don't have what it takes.. Or don't i? No, wait.. I do.. Just like building a machine or sorts, you have to go through all the circuits in order for it to work. Even so, all the failures that come before also play a vital role in that eventual success. And there might just be friggin loads of them! Still, ain't something for us to just resign to. The failures. Acknowledge, but never yield. Whatever shit that don't kills you, makes you stronger, right? Might stink more but at least you come out of the smoke with that crooked but triumphant smirk on your mug. I just know it. Life has a way of letting you get your highs, even after numerous beatdowns on your ass. That's almost infallible. And after numerous recent beatdowns on my tush, i'm almost demanding for mine. Took it in. All of them. Blood, tears and all. Now i need to get my fix. Yeah, i'm a junkie like that. For happier times. And not just me, but those with me as well. Those who carry my love as i do for their's. We will get there, folks. I love you all too much for me not to. Keep on smiling and spawn the laughters for now, Insya'Allah, i will join you in a bit. Promise. God bless.
3:02 PM |
0 Comment
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Gift(seether)
Hold me now I need to feel relief,
Like I never wanted anything,
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason
I'll hold on to,
I'm so ashamed of defeat,
And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
I'm out of trying to get by,
I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,
I don't belong here and I'm not well,
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,
Right on the wrong side of it all,
I can't face myself when I wake up,
And look inside a mirror,
I'm so ashamed of that thing,
I suppose I'll let it go,
Until I have something more to say for me,
I'm so afraid of defeat,
And I'm out of reason to believe in me,
I'm out of trying to defy,
I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,
I don't belong here and I'm not well,
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,
Right on the wrong side of it all,
Hold me now I need to feel complete,
Like I matter to the one I need,
I'm so afraid of the gift You give me,
I don't belong here and I'm not well,
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living,
Right on the wrong side of it all,
Now I'm ashamed of this,
I am so ashamed of this,
Now I'm so ashamed of this,
I am so ashamed of me...
1:53 AM |
0 Comment
Monday, October 03, 2005
Letter to sum1...
This is how shall i put it, from me to you,
as it is in the hands of fate and there's nothing we could do,
heavy it is for my heart to see another in pain,
as the tears flow from your eyes mixing soon after with the rain,
i felt it, yes indeed i do, though probably lesser than you,
and hurt you is definitely not what i intended or planned to,
how it burnt you, and what the happiness had overturned to,
still there is something i want for you to understand,
i did not force her to hold another hand,
or sacrilegiously told her to let go the previous,
so there were no schemes or anything remotely devious,
only the purest of intentions from me to love her,
my promise to you that i will never, ever hurt her,
please believe this, as it is truth painfully told,
that the love was nurtured innocently and never stoled,
i can't stop you from surrounding me with a world of hatred,
i will not return you them even if that's what this world had favoured,
just want you to be strong now my brother, and release the weight,
time will heal your wounds beautifully no matter how late,
you will get there eventually somehow or someway,
and the smiles will be etched on your face again someday,
for now please, with the graces of Him, let her free from the binds,
so she could breathe life that she yearns with more peace on her mind,
let me take her there now, to where her rainbow lies,
drying up the tears along the way as we fill the hollow skies,
with the hopes, the dreams, and the wishes we so wanted to materialise,
and i told her we will, while i erased those tracks that formed from her eyes,
let us get there with your clear and open heart, my brother...
at least for her...
3:03 PM |
0 Comment
-Midnight in a perfect world (Dj Shadow)
-Six days-remixed (Dj Shadow ft. Mos Def)
-High noon (Dj Shadow)
-Organ donor (Dj Shadow)
-Devil's advocate (Dj Shadow)
-Drums of death (Dj Shadow)
-March of death (Dj Shadow ft. Zack De La Rocha)
-Some kind of monster (Metallica)
-Waiting for you (Miri Ben Ari ft. Consequence)
-Born of a broken man (Rage Against The Machine)
-Testify (Rage Against The Machine)
-Calm like a bomb (Rage Against The Machine)
-Wake up (Rage Against The Machine)
-Touch (Seal)
-Hush (L.L Cool J)
-Karma (Lloyd Banks)
-Beautiful (Athelete)
-Reset (Outkast ft. Goodie Mob)
-Sometimes you can't make it on your own (U2)
-The Worm (Audioslave)
-Out of exile (Audioslave)
-Be yourself (Audioslave)
-Show me how to live (Audioslave)
-Ocean within (KRS-One ft. Saul Williams)
-Nice to know you (Incubus)
-Aqueous Transmission (Incubus)
-1st Movement pt.1-Halo 2 Soundtrack (Incubus)
-Here in my room (Incubus)
-Drive (Incubus)
-Pardon me (Incubus)
-Fuckin in the bushes-Snatch Soundtrack (Oasis)
-Guess who's back (Scarface ft. Jay-Z)
-Hate it or love it (The Game ft. 50Cents)
-Inner universe (Origa)
-Maybe tomorrow (Stereophonics)
-I don't wanna be (Gavin DeGraw)
-Can't take my eyes off you (Damien Rice)
-Angel (Massive Attack)
-Furious angels (Rob Dougan)
-Soul in the hole (Wu All-Stars)
-Season Song (Blue States)
-Still running (Chevelle)
-Finding myself (Smile Empty Soul)
-Leech (Sevendust)
-You are (Bilal)
-Travelling man (Mos Def)
-Good luck (Basement Jaxx ft. Lisa Kekaula)
-Heard'em say (Kanye West ft. Adam Levine)
-Hip-hop (Royce Da 5'9'')
-This blood (Black Lab)
-Sold me (Seether)
-Out of my way (Seether)
-The gift (Seether)
-White light (Starsailor)
-Way back home (Starsailor)
-Whenever, whereever, whatever (Maxwell)
-London (Smoke City)
-All is full of love (Bjork)
-My favorite mutiny (Talib Kweli/Black Thought/The Coup)
-Right now (Fort Minor ft. Black Thought/Styles Of Beyond)
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
Broken Down Clown..
My anger, rage, fury, whatever it is keeps growing...
Major steerressss kickin in..
Sometimes..(edited)
In due time..
Damn.. It finally happened..
What was that all about?
Faith Of The Heart (Rod Stewart)
Over the age..
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